Monday, August 17, 2015

The Amazing Adventures of the Traveling Vase--A Cautionary Tale

The Vase was bored.  It had a quiet simple life in the little Ballard cottage.  The Girl would fill it with sunflowers in the summer, dahlias in the fall, and for one memorable Christmas party, evergreen branches and holly and sparkly red bells, but that wasn’t enough.  The Vase felt it was destined for greater things.  So when the Scalawag climbed in the kitchen window one night while the Girl was out of town, grabbing the laptop and the emergency cash, the Vase said, “Take me!  Take me!  I want to have an adventure!”  So he did.

The Scalawag gave the Vase to his Skanky Girlfriend, who used it to store her spare change, hoping to save up enough money to ditch the Scalawag and go to Hollywood to become a famous movie star.  But before that could happen, the Skanky Girlfriend was evicted from her apartment and all of her belongings, including the adventurous Vase, were boxed up and sent to Goodwill.

The Little Old Lady bought the Vase for a dollar, planning to use it to hold treats for her 27 cats.  Oh dear, thought the Vase, this is not at all the adventure I had planned!  When the Little Old Lady went to her heavenly reward, her daughter threw all of her things in the dumpster, where the Homeless Dude salvaged the Vase to use as a bowl for his soup, or maybe his everclear.  This is getting worse and worse, thought the Vase.  I miss my beautiful flowers!

The Homeless Dude was arrested for vagrancy by the Alert Policeman and his belongings were confiscated and fingerprinted.  The Alert Policeman noticed that the fingerprints on the Vase matched a police report from a home burglary four years before, and the Vase thought, I'm saved!  Please send me back to my quiet simple life and my beautiful flowers, because I’ve learned my lesson: there really is no place like home and never more will I roam.  The policeman notified the Girl, and she came and picked up the adventurous little Vase.  She washed off the fingerprint powder and four years of accumulated grime and filled it with flowers, and they lived happily ever after.  The end.


  1. I just read this story! How amazing. This really happened?

  2. I just read this story! How amazing. This really happened?

  3. Ha ha, no, the only parts that actually happened are that the vase and computer and $$ were stolen and four years later the vase was recovered. Everything else came out of my imagination!